Where I Am In 1998
by FaultinPanem
Summary: It's been 61 years. Tessa's been living in the United States... alone. Experience her life and find out how she feels.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Wanted to say that I do not own anything by Cassandra Clare, including The Infernal Devices. Anyways, please read and review this! Tell me what else you want me to write :) Thanks!**

Being alone is okay. Sometimes I like to sit outside under a tree and admire the beauty of the outdoors, or go into a library and just sit at a table and dive into another world, or go to a classical concert and let the sweet sounds be poured into me. All of these things I like to do alone. But. I don't like being lonely. I have been for a long time.

After Jem- or now, Brother Zachariah- became a Silent Brother, it was just Will and I. We had a beautiful life together; we went on adventures, read and discussed books daily it seemed, got engaged then married, had children… basically an almost perfect life. There was one thing that made everything "perfect" disappear; Will is a mortal, and I'm immortal. The day he died was thee hardest day I've ever encountered. The moment he died, I was truly lonely. I had no one I loved left in this world.

Now it's the year 1998, 61 years since Will died. It still feels like just yesterday I was sitting next to his bed, holding onto his hand as we listen to Je-Brother Zachariah play the violin. Instead, I was in a bookstore looking for classics; it's not like before alive for over a hundred years has given me the chance to read almost all classics. How I wish that Will would've been standing by me, talking about all the books and his feelings towards them. I wish I could just stare at his face one more time and touch his cheek and kiss him on the lips. I wish he was alive.

It's about midnight, and I walk into my apartment, holding a bag of groceries in my arm as I close the door. Putting all the food away, I turn on the radio and find a station that's dedicated to classics. The current song is a song full of the violin. Jem. I blink quickly and turn off the radio, biting my lower lip to stop myself from crying. After all the groceries are put away, I go to my bedroom and change into a large T-shirt and some shorts then get into bed. I honestly don't see the point in doing this everyday; the two people that I've loved most in this world have been lost, I have no friends or family, I'm not… happy. I can never try and love someone because if, by some chance, we do fall in love and get married, then how would I even explain why I'm not aging at all? I can't be with any human, I can never love another Shadowhunter- I wouldn't be able to do it-, and I just don't want to love anyone again. I will only ever love Will and Jem.

Once I'm in my bed, I grab the book that I'm currently reading and continue reading it, getting lost in the words that are being transformed into a movie in my head. That's why I love reading; you can get lost within it and not think about your past or present or future. You just are focusing on someone else's story. I like to imagine that I'm in their story, and not in the one that I'm forced into. Again, it's just nice to escape.

I close the book and put it on the small nightstand after I notice the time is three am. Whoops. I sigh while taking off my necklace with the jace pendant on it and set it on top of the book. After I turn off the lamp, I lay down and bring the covers over me and attempt to sleep. I have a hard time sleeping; I always get nightmares. But there's nothing I can do about them. I'm just going to have to live with them forever.

About a half hour later, my breathing softens and I relax into the bed as sleep welcomes me.


	2. Chapter 2

p id="docs-internal-guid-83093fbb-38a1-d3fe-eb04-1d16f6cb8a99" dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"The London Institute has the most beautiful library I've ever been to. There are walls covered with books lined up on shelves. There's all the classics, but then there's thousands of Shadowhunter books. I spend hours just reading through them, flipping the delicate pages that feel like they'll break by a rough hand. The first or second or third night at the Institute, Will gave me the Codex, a book that has everything you need to know about the Shadowhunting world. I'm pretty sure the only reason he gave it to me was because he got sick of me asking him questions every second. I spent all night reading it. The book gave me so much insight on the world that I was supposed to have been in my entire life. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"I walk into the library, wearing a beautiful blue dress that's pretty plain; it just has on the hems. I haven't worn that dress in such a long time; I kind of miss it. Then again, those damn things never helped in battle. My hair is up, as always. People comment on how "beautiful" it is, but it's just plain brown hair that has nothing special to it. Well, two people made me feel one hundred percent beautiful. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"As I walk in, I smile softly at all the books that I loved the moment I walked in here. I quietly close the door and walk up to the shelves, looking at all the books as I run my fingers over the old spines. Looking at the spines, I notice that there isn't any title names. My eyebrows furrow slightly as I take out a book and open it. The page is empty. My eyes widen as I quickly through the book, confused. I put the book back quickly and reach up to the next few shelves and grab a new one. I flip through the empty pages, trying to find a word. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""What the bloody hell is going on?" I mumble, closing the book. As I start to put the book back, a voice rings out behind me./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""Tess," Will says. My breath hitches the moment I hear his voice. I slowly turn around, and see the young man in trousers and a white shirt that has the first few unbuttons undone. If I saw him like this the first time I met him, I would've been flabbergasted; he was supposed to have been a gentleman. I was wrong… yet I was right./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""Will," I whisper, staring into his clear blue eyes. My lower lip quivers as I run to him, trying to not cry. I jump into his arms and hug him tightly on the neck, standing on my tip toes. "I thought I would never see you again!" I cry into his shoulder as he hugs me tightly, burrowing his head into my neck./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"He mumbles, "I love you, Tess. I didn't say it enough. I love you." His body starts shaking slightly; he's crying. That just makes me hold onto him more and cry more. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""Will…. I miss you," I whisper, clenching his deep black hair between my fingers. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"He tightens his arms around me. "I know. I'm so sorry," he says, his voice sounding scratchy from try to now cry. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"I pull back slightly and kiss him hard, squeezing my eyes shut. He kisses me back with the same sort of desperation. His thumbs that are rubbing the small of my back send a shiver down my spine. God how much I've missed this. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""I love you," I murmur against his lips. Will smiles and pulls back, staring into my eyes. He cups my face in my hands, my eyes still closed just to remember his touch./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""Tess," he whispers. "Tessa, open your eyes." He holds my face tighter. I winced slightly he was holding me so hard./span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"I open my eyes, and instead of Will, I see Jem on his bed, coughing up blood. I instantly go pain and my hands shake. For a moment, I can only stand there in shock. I stare at his face, longing to touch it. His hands clenching the bloody handkerchief up to his lips. After a moment, I get out of my trance and I start to panic. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"I run over to him and yell, "Jem! Jem are you okay? What's the matter?" I kneel on the floor and look up at him as I rub his back, trying to help him. As I grip his leg with a shaking hand, his coughing starts to subside. "Sh, it's okay," I say as I continue to rub his back. "You're fine, you're okay." He lets out a shaky breath, pulling the handkerchief away from his bloody lips. Jem's skin is paler than how I remember and he's much thinner if that's even possible. His cheekbones are very defined, along with his jaw and neck and hands. His eyes that are always gentle seem hard and empty as they stare down at his lap. "Jem, I'm right here. Jem? Can you hear me?" I put my hand on his frail cheek, but it's frozen. My eyes widen at the realization. "Jem!" His slouched body on the wall is not moving. I put my ear on his chest, but I don't hear a heartbeat. "Jem!" I scream, tears streaming down my face. "No! No! Not again!" I put my arms and face onto his lap, sobbing. "You left me again!" I clench onto his trousers, angry that I couldn't do something for him. That I couldn't save him. /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"I suddenly hear a voice that I didn't want to hear at this moment. "James?" Will says softly, standing at the doorway. He slowly walks over to the side of the bed, shaking slightly. The part of clothing in front of his chest is bloody. Will puts two fingers to the side of Jem's neck, looking for a pulse. He slowly pulls his hand away, then glares at me. "How could you have let him die?" he whispers, glaring into my eyes. I start to stutter out that I couldn't do anything, but he starts yelling. "Tessa, you killed him again! He's dead because of you! Don't you understand that? You were right him and you could've saved him! YOU KILLED JAMES!" /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"My lips are parted as I stare into into Will's angry eyes. "I-I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. Jem didn't d-die because of me," I stammer out, standing up and taking a step away from the bed. He stomps over to my side of the bed and pushes me against the wall. I gasp when my back hits the wall. "Will! Stop!" /span/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;""You killed him…. You deserve the same," Will whispers, bringing his face close to mine. Will lifts up his hand about to strike me, and I squeeze my eyes shut. /span/p 


End file.
